I'm Mad As Hell And I'm Not Gonna Take It Anymore!

It's almost May, which means one thing: sweeps. That's when the TV networks throw out their best stuff to see what sticks with audiences. Sweeps occur a few times a year, in February, May and November. And networks usually build up to sweeps a couple of weeks prior, to get audiences hooked. How do I know about sweeps? I'm an avid TV watcher. You can always tell when they are on the way, because the advertising starts getting a little more tense ("The MOST SHOCKING EPISODE EVER!," "Our MOST SUR-PRIS-ING ROSE CEREMONY YET," "And ONE PERSON WILL NOT COME OUT ALIVE," etc.), characters start having pregnancy scares or break-ups or deaths, and Deal or No Deal starts playing in heavy rotation.

But the surest way to tell that sweeps are coming: Dateline NBC ambushes Internet predators in some house in the suburbs. Have you seen this? The unassuming, mild-mannered schlub arrives at a tract home with a case of Mike's Hard Lemonade to meet the hot new 13-year-old he just met on the Internet, only to find a camera crew and the stiff, styled and baritoned reporter Curtis Hansen asking (in perfect cadence) "What were you thinking?"

Tonight Hansen sets his sights on rural small-town America, the kind of place where he grew up. Here's how he describes it on his blog: "There’s farmland and a quaint downtown. Four people can still have dinner out for less than 50 bucks and you don’t have to look hard for the Wal-Mart and the feed store." Sounds lovely, right? No way you'd find some sex freak trolling for tweens there.

Don't be so sure, says Hansen.

I saw a teaser for tonight's episode on the Today show this morning, and they snare a sixth grade teacher who has seen this type of thing on Dateline before. He even admits to thinking, "What are these guys thinking?" while watching. And now look where he is. What gives? Is becoming an Internet predator that slippery a slope? How could this once decent, Dateline watching citizen fall so far, so fast?

Dateline does this about twice a year, so people must love it. But it makes me sick to my stomach. Sure, these guys are total creeps, but on the spectrum of good and evil, this type of exploitative sting operation seems almost as wrong as the crime. It's certainly as distasteful. I agree that something should be done about Internet predators, Oprah has scared me straight on that front (no Swaddlini, you cannot have a Web cam. Because I said so, that's why!). And I'm glad that the authorities are there to book these guys after Hansen's cameras have had their way with them, but there's something pornographic about the whole display. And not in a good way.

That is why my evening will be spent watching America's Next Top Model.

Tick Tacky

My husband and I have been trying in vain to start a fake rumor. Here goes:

Did you hear that when Britney Spears' baby was brought in for the skull fracture, they also found a tick on him?

You might ask why we are doing this or where it came from, but I really have no idea. The more important question is why didn't it spread? Wouldn't you think a rumor like this would take hold? And it's not like we didn't try. Everywhere we've been for the last couple of weeks, we've discussed it. Loudly.

"I mean, a fractured skull is one thing, but a tick?"

"I know! That's just gross. There was a tick on her baby?"

"How bad a parent do you have to be to have a tick on your baby?"

"Do they even have ticks in California? How'd they even find a tick there?"

"With all that money, they still can't keep a tick off the baby. Unbelievable."

And on and on.

I'm fessing up to this now because A.) The skull fracture story is old news, so no one is likely to care about the tick addendum, and B.) It's such a perfect rumor I just wish it were true, and C.) The universe is trying to punish me with a plot straight out of Edgar Allen Poe.

This weekend I'm casually cleaning the house when I spy a mashed blueberry on the floor. "What's a blueberry doing here?" I ask aloud as I pick it up, immediately assuming that there is a wild bramble of blueberries growing in the abandoned yard next door to us, even though that yard usually only produces garbage and strange smells.

"Let me see." Herr Guitar, former boy scout and blueberry aficionado that he is, takes one look at my hand and declares, "That's a tick."

A tick. A TICK! ATICKINMYHOUSE! ON MY FLOOR! NEAR MY BABY! And I touched it! Eeeeek!

Angus found himself a tick, probably in the yard next door but more likely in the woods by a friend's parents' house visited the weekend before. (The place is a five minute drive from where we live but you might as well be on another planet in terms of the landscape, as well as the average income.) HG did a tick check on Angus (and Swaddlini) after we'd been there - all the while laughing at the faux tick negligence of Sean Preston Federline Spears' inattentive and trashy parents - and he didn't find anything. And then a bloated, exploded tick falls from the dog's disgusting body. Looking all blueberryesque. What if I'd decided to eat it? (Because that's what I do, eat squashed blueberries off the floor.) What if?

So that is my punishment for attempting to spread a false rumor. I'm coming clean in the hopes that my family will be spared. I probably deserve my tick, just as Angus probably deserves his impending lyme disease, HG probably deserves all those merit badges and Britney probably deserves her millions.

And yet, with all her millions, she can't keep that baby tick-free? It's a shame.

A Little Something to Nosh

This post should be read in your most obnoxiously Yiddish-accented head voice. Come on, just try it.

Now that I am a housewife, I have a need to feed you people. So from time to time, I will throw a nice recipe up on this site. The first is Shiksa Matzo Brie.

If you've never had Matzo Brie, you'll love it. It combines all that's delicious about eggs with potato pancakes, and even mushrooms - although there are no potatoes and mushrooms involved. It's just eggs and those Matzo crackers you see at the market around Passover (they are unleavened-ly delicious).

I have always considered myself an honorary Jew. Growing up, my best friend was Jewish, and her family sort of adopted me and loved me, and they always told me that I was more Jewish than they. I know now that Los Angeles Jews aren't really all that Jewish. Nothing in LA is authentic - cultures are sort of bleached out and tanned just like your skin and hair. So, I'm an honorary California Jew. And that's why my Matzo Brie recipe contains bacon.

Before you freak out, understand that this dish is perfectly delicious without the bacon. It's just that I am a bacon freak and, truly, cannot go without. It's the one meat standing between me and vegetarianism. And it will continue standing there forever. If you can do without, God bless!

Shiksa Matzo Brie
(serves 2 hearty eaters, or 8 mothers-in-law*)
6 eggs
5 sheets of matzo
1 cup onion (1 medium onion), chopped
3 cloves garlic, minced
1 tablespoon butter
3 tablespoons oil
milk
tabasco (optional)
2-3 slices cooked bacon, chopped (optional)

Chop the onion and mince the garlic. Saute both until softened in about three tablespoons of oil (I like safflower/olive oil mix, but vegetable oil is fine) and 1 tablespoon of butter.

Break matzo into little pieces, but not crumbs. The pieces should vary in size - from the size of a quarter to the size of a normal craker. Place pieces in a bowl. And pour boiling water over them until just covered. Let the matzo soak for 2 to 3 minutes (it will soak up the water and expand a bit), then add the mixture into the frying pan with the onions and garlic. Fry for couple of minutes. Add salt and pepper.

Meanwhile, prepare the eggs as you would scrambled eggs (meaning: add a little milk and stir them up). When matzo is ready, pour the eggs over the mixture. Keep stirring and frying, as you would with scrambled eggs, until the eggs are no longer wet.

Chopped prepared bacon into bite sized bits and stir into the mix. If you are a flavor junky, add a dash of hot sauce. Serve with sour cream (or applesauce).

Sit! Eat!


*Explanation for the mother-in-law comment coming soon.