I'm back. And, fear not, I'm ready to type my little fingers raw regarding the rigors of mommyhood, that is if the little one will let me put him down long enough to finish a thought let alone type it. Even as I type this, I'm careful not to clack the keys too loudly and wake the little monst... er, darling. No, seriously, he's the best - a bit clingy and a light sleeper, but beautiful and strong and smart and awesome at a mere six weeks. I almost couldn't tear myself away, but I had to. It was crucial that I share a tale. A little holiday tale about a lady who fought the good fight in America's latest war. I call it : The Story of The Exhausted New Mommy in Starbucks who Saved Christmas.
As you may have guessed, I am the exhausted new mommy. And although I'm completely out of most loops, I am well aware of how American consumers are under siege in the War On Christmas (TM). Fox News is the stalwart informing the masses, O'Reilly has made himself the general, another Fox News idiot, John Gibson, is a foot soldier who wrote a
book about it, etc. They are really getting the word out. A couple of weeks ago, my husband, Herr Guitar, proposed his own solution to the problem: that each of us should use our own holiday when greeting someone or responding to a greeting. So if I say, "Merry Christmas" to someone who celebrates Kwanzaa, she should respond, "And Happy Kwanzaa." Problem solved.
It's just that I don't think there is a problem. A little exposition: I had been completely naive about this issue. I always thought Happy Holidays meant Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. Season's Greetings is, granted, much more inclusive - meant to be inoffensive to all religions - but who says "Season's Greetings"? I never have. But I've written more than a few "Happy Holidays" into my annual Christmas cards. I had no idea I was raping the whole thing of its meaning. On the other hand, I've also sent Christmas cards on which Jesus and Elvis battle for title of king, so I'm not too concerned about offending the people on my list. But when sending cards to Jewish friends, I don't send a Christmas card and then write and apologetic "Happy Holidays" inside. I actually make an effort to purchase a handful of Hanukkah cards. OK, whatever, that's just me. Not to mention the fact that although I'm a WASPy type who has occasionally stepped inside a Christian church, I'm not religious at all. So my celebrating Christmas is technically a huge sham, and I don't think I'm alone on that front. Maybe it is embarrassment leading others like me to apologetically whisper, "Happy Holidays" because we are noncommittal urban heathens who won't just grow up already and drive our SUVs to church with Support Our Troops ribbons on the back! Have you ever thought of that?
The thing that really pisses me off is there are Merry Christmases all over the place. Every commercial, every show, every song. Granted, my child doesn't go to school yet so I don't know what those Godless demon hippy educators have in store, but as far as mass media in America is concerned, Christmas has little to fear. Neither does Jesus or Christianity in general. This war is the Christian right trying to create a wedge issue to lull red staters into hate - and maybe even convert some blue ones. Lattes and gays are fine, but when you attack Christmas, Ms. Clinton, you've gone too far.
OK, I'm saying nothing new here, I realize. It's just that this is where my Christmas tale comes in (speaking of gays and lattes)...
So there I am in Starbucks, all tired and harried from excessive infant care, dreaming of a creamy beverage and, as I am wont to do, eavesdropping on my fellow customers. Two guys are standing in front of me. One seems laid back, affable, handsome. The other an aging frat boy (closet red stater) who is just finishing the sentence, "... I mean, sometimes it's just better to do nothing but surf the Web all day rather than write that Fuck You email to my boss." We all know this guy, right?
So there is a pause in the conversation and frat boy looks at the pastry case and reads the name of one of the items: "Holiday Gingerbread." It's then that he sees his moment - his chance to say something he may be able to pretend he isn't quoting straight from O'Reilly. So he says, "Why does it have to be 'Holiday Gingerbread'? Why can't they say 'Christmas' any more?" Handsome friend quietly nods as frat boy starts to launch into his tirade. What an interesting observation, handsome friend patronizes silently. How clever of you to notice and make others aware of this trend.
Exhausted new mommy laughs to herself. There is nothing funnier or more terrifying than hearing someone spew random Fox News bullshit on the street, she thinks. It means it's working. She wants to say something to this guy, to sigh heavily in distaste. Anything to tell this guy he's wrong, or at least annoying. Then she sees it. A sign hanging above all of their heads. She quietly raises her hand and puts her finger on it. "Starbucks Christmas Blend." It takes a second, but frat boy takes notice and shuts up. Handsome friend turns and looks. "Crisis averted," he laughs.
Yes, blogsphere, sometimes there is a Santa Claus.
