Also Willing to Consider Adoption by Oprah, Tom and Katie, Bill Gates, Angelina and Brad, Nick and Jessica, Rupert Murdoch, etc.

I can't stop thinking about Madonna's adoption. I've been reading up on the subject and now have a better understanding of why people don't approve of international adoptions. Why bother with all the travel, passports, Visas, language barriers, etc., when you can get your hands on a red-blooded American kid? I'd like to carry the argument further: Why even adopt a child, when you can adopt a full-grown adult instead? You have no idea how a kid's going to turn out: could be a genius, could be a drug addict, could get fat, or lose those natural curls, etc. But with an adult, the cards are on the table. You get what you pay for. Take it or leave it.

That's why I'd like to formally present myself as a candidate for adoption. Below is my most up-to-date CV.

Objective: To be adopted by a loving family headed by at least one extremely wealthy celebrity magnate.

Experience: Background includes more than 35 years of experience as daughter/member of family.

Further qualifications include:

- Fully grown - there are few surprises left regarding my development.

- Mother - when you adopt me you get a two-for-one deal: a daughter and an infant grandson. I can attest that he is cuter than any other baby on the market, both domestic and international.

- Natural blonde - granted, it's an ashy, dirty, dark blonde that's lost the golden luster it had in its first 20 years, but its lightness makes it easier to color according to your genetic heritage/preferences. Pale-yet-ruddy complexion and light eyes complete malleable WASP package. I'm also tall, have strong and even teeth, and have a fairly disease-free family history (not counting depression and alcoholism).

- Career professional - have written for many national consumer publications, and could take on various public relations tasks as needed. My career has also provided me some understanding of various tax shelter strategies.

- High School and College graduate - both were public schools, which provides me with a street cred befitting my orphan status. Additionally, I achieved brag-worthy grade point average, held down a part-time job, and managed to get through my education years with minimal exposure to beer bongs and fraternity-affiliated gentlemen.

- American - my blood is red, white and blue (but mostly red - my health is not a concern), and these colors do not run (though I should clarify that I do run - a ten-minute mile - and am also willing to "run" errands if that is included in my responsibilities). I am so ridiculously American, I have no idea where my family descends from. But I'm pretty sure it's somewhere exotic, such as East Timor, Uruguay, Namibia, England, Germany or Ireland.

- Excellent communicator - great at conveying to others that they are looking fabulous and/or soooo thin today. Am willing to assure those around me that they are far too talented to put up with so much bullshit.

- Amateur playwright, chef, musician, 401(k) investor.

- Available to begin immediately.


If you are interested in this exciting opportunity, I look forward to meeting you to discuss my excellent qualifications for being a member of your family. I can be reached discreetly here during the day. Recommendations from current family members available upon request.

Memo to Madonna: Take Me Instead!

Does Madonna's adoption backlash seem ridiculous to everyone, or is it just me?

Maybe I haven't been keeping up, but as far as I can tell, an underfunded orphanage with no waiting list is getting some attention from one of the world's richest people, who wants to adopt and take responsibility for one of the world's poorest people. This is, by all accounts, pure evil.

I'm confused. Why can't Madonna adopt a baby?

OK, so she may have been set on adopting a child from the U.S. before a dinner with Brad and Angelina convinced her to think globally. But is that so bad? There are plenty of children around the world in need of being adopted, and Madonna and her husband are a transcontinental couple, which essentially frees them from any ridiculous nationalistic allegiances.

Now the kid's dad is saying he didn't understand what adoption meant when he agreed to it. But is this Madonna's fault? I mean, this man took his son and placed him in an orphanage, which in any language says, "You raise him. I can't." Then, when the rich white woman and camera crews came around, he starts raving about how happy he is that his son is going to be cared for by this famous woman, and how wonderful his son's life will be in America. So what's he complaining about now? That when the baby grows up he won't be sent back to Africa? Come on - the kid'll be a Ciccone-Ritchie. It's not like you won't be able to find him one day. And if anyone can afford to travel back to Africa (as well as East Berlin, Tokyo, Bilbao - wherever there's a party) Madonna's son can. And, by the way, if this were a traditional American adoption and the birth parent backed out at this stage, it would seem cruel to the adoptive parents. This is the stuff of countless Lifetime movies, but because Madonna is involved, we're stone cold.

Could it be that this father has made the quickest media-savvy turnaround on record? Maybe whoever helped him realize he didn't really understand adoption also clued him in on the way things work in celebrity culture. Rule No. One: Make them want you more than you want them. Rule No. Two: Nothing truly fabulous comes easy (or cheap). Rule No. Three: If Page Six says so, it must be so. Rule No. Four: If it takes their minds off the war, it leads. And so on.

Granted, we don't know Madonna's true motives - she may be after a third-world accessory to carry around in her purse; she may be growing her own little troupe of back-up dancers; she may be staffing a sweatshop to fuel a new line of yoga wear. The possibilities are endless! Or maybe - just maybe - she, like most parents who decide to adopt, has love and support to offer and wants to share it with a child who has little of either. Regardless, I don't even like Madonna and I'd let her adopt me, no questions asked. And I'm a well-fed adult with my own clothes, bed and home.

As far as I'm concerned, anyone who wants to care for and support a child should be able to hook up with an orphaned child. That goes for Madonna and all of her friends. And George W. Bush and all of his friends (except for Mark Foley, of course). And everyone I know, and everyone reading this, and all of your friends.

But I'm obviously confused.