Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Also Willing to Consider Adoption by Oprah, Tom and Katie, Bill Gates, Angelina and Brad, Nick and Jessica, Rupert Murdoch, etc.

I can't stop thinking about Madonna's adoption. I've been reading up on the subject and now have a better understanding of why people don't approve of international adoptions. Why bother with all the travel, passports, Visas, language barriers, etc., when you can get your hands on a red-blooded American kid? I'd like to carry the argument further: Why even adopt a child, when you can adopt a full-grown adult instead? You have no idea how a kid's going to turn out: could be a genius, could be a drug addict, could get fat, or lose those natural curls, etc. But with an adult, the cards are on the table. You get what you pay for. Take it or leave it.

That's why I'd like to formally present myself as a candidate for adoption. Below is my most up-to-date CV.

Objective: To be adopted by a loving family headed by at least one extremely wealthy celebrity magnate.

Experience: Background includes more than 35 years of experience as daughter/member of family.

Further qualifications include:

- Fully grown - there are few surprises left regarding my development.

- Mother - when you adopt me you get a two-for-one deal: a daughter and an infant grandson. I can attest that he is cuter than any other baby on the market, both domestic and international.

- Natural blonde - granted, it's an ashy, dirty, dark blonde that's lost the golden luster it had in its first 20 years, but its lightness makes it easier to color according to your genetic heritage/preferences. Pale-yet-ruddy complexion and light eyes complete malleable WASP package. I'm also tall, have strong and even teeth, and have a fairly disease-free family history (not counting depression and alcoholism).

- Career professional - have written for many national consumer publications, and could take on various public relations tasks as needed. My career has also provided me some understanding of various tax shelter strategies.

- High School and College graduate - both were public schools, which provides me with a street cred befitting my orphan status. Additionally, I achieved brag-worthy grade point average, held down a part-time job, and managed to get through my education years with minimal exposure to beer bongs and fraternity-affiliated gentlemen.

- American - my blood is red, white and blue (but mostly red - my health is not a concern), and these colors do not run (though I should clarify that I do run - a ten-minute mile - and am also willing to "run" errands if that is included in my responsibilities). I am so ridiculously American, I have no idea where my family descends from. But I'm pretty sure it's somewhere exotic, such as East Timor, Uruguay, Namibia, England, Germany or Ireland.

- Excellent communicator - great at conveying to others that they are looking fabulous and/or soooo thin today. Am willing to assure those around me that they are far too talented to put up with so much bullshit.

- Amateur playwright, chef, musician, 401(k) investor.

- Available to begin immediately.


If you are interested in this exciting opportunity, I look forward to meeting you to discuss my excellent qualifications for being a member of your family. I can be reached discreetly here during the day. Recommendations from current family members available upon request.

3 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

LOL. Are you sure you're up for assuming all of the responsibilties of a truly delinquent, spoiled, unstable, and demanding celebrity child? It's a tall order... no, wait...I think you can handle it.

9:25 PM  
Blogger LukeBuckham said...

As we watched

animals slow and centuries old, and conceived
a new animal together on the sands of a thousand years,

a thousand armored shells worn down to dust, we aged,
and when we returned to our cars the city was young.

11:40 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

hmm... no mention of herr guitar. Does a guitar player really unsweeten the deal that much that you wouldn't mention one at all?

1:12 PM  

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