Shot Through the Heart, and I'm To Blame

I feel like a terrible, untrustworthy mother. I was doing so well, and then I had my first Jedi mommy challenge: taking baby to get shots.

My boy turned two months old on Tuesday, so I took him to the doctor yesterday for his first vaccinations. Four shots I was dreading for weeks, for many reasons. First, I'm allowing my unsuspecting baby to be hurt by a stranger with a sharp object. How is he to know it's not going to be a regular occurrence, and that it's for his own good? Second, is it for his own good? Not to get all Lisa Bonet on you*, but my son is pure and perfect and I'm letting big pharma "protect" him with its crazy snake oil. And it's not even snake oil - it's mercury-laced snake oil! Ok, granted, they got rid of the mercury, but the fact they even put mercury in there to begin with makes me sort of skeptical about the purity of the stuff. How far down on the list do you have to go before you hit mercury as a viable preservative option? Is it before or after lead? Seriously, I don't even want to imagine what else is in there.

I should have done some research to find out, but unlike the Alpha Mom, it's all I can do in a day to make a pot of coffee, yell at the dog, and breastfeed while still managing to focus on the specifics on the latest Judge Judy case. The Internet is a long lost friend who calls once in awhile to check in, but we really don't have anything to say to each other anymore. I tried reading Slate's latest Movie Club, and found it not only impossible to follow but a complete waste of time. I can't believe I used to have that much to waste and more. But I digress...

So there we are at the doctor's office and my boy is doing fine. A healthy milkfed 15 lbs, 7 oz and 25 inches at 8 weeks. Kicking and cooing at the doctor, completely at ease. Enter the she-devil nurse. Honestly, I know she's just doing her job but what kind of person decides to make a living stabbing babies? She explains that the torture will consist of two shots in each leg, the last of which stings and burns.

STINGS AND BURNS! I am good at getting shots and blood drawn, and I generally find needlephobes annoying, but I have never had a shot that stung and burned. And I don't want him to have one either. She went on to say that his leg may be irritated for a few days and I should massage it with warm compresses, it may cause him to have a fever, and it may leave a knot under the skin for anywhere from two weeks to two months. The news just kept getting worse. I'm too afraid to ask what I'm thinking: What the hell is in this shot? Maybe we could just take our chances without it. How bad could polio or malaria be, right?

But I remain silent and permissive. So she gives him the first two and he's caught completely unaware. He screams, his face turns bright red. She calms him by rubbing his leg and for a minute he is quiet. He turns to look at me with his beautiful big eyes and silently asks, "Why?" And at that very moment, when this innocent angel is looking at his mommy and questioning all that is painful and evil and cruel, the nurse sticks him with two more shots - this time with stinging and burning. That's when I realized that regardless of what's in the vials, my son will be forever changed. I can't protect him from pain. And that terrifies me. And even though getting shots is the right thing to do (I guess, though the jury may still be out), I feel like an asshole for putting him through it.

On the other hand, he's not protecting me from pain either. I'm still not sure what to call him in these posts, but around our house he's often referred to as the Soccer Hooligan. Who knew a two-month-old baby could head butt you so hard that the bones in your cheekbone (or jaw, nose, temple, or around the eardrum) ring with pain? He also scratches, hits, pulls hair and pokes eyes. Nursing him plays out like an episode of Jerry Springer. I have to put my hair up and take my jewelry off.

Motherhood is hard. Thank goodness the kid is brilliant, gorgeous, sweet, strong, multi-talented and altogether awesome. He puts a song in my heart - and my ringing cheekbone.

* I once saw Lisa Bonet on an episode of Donahue, denouncing immunizations and saying breastmilk was sufficient. She seemed very wise, either despite or because of her massive cornrows - I can't remember which. Is it horrible of me to now hope that little nursing
Lenny Kravitz Jr. pulled those braids while headbutting lovely Lisa square in the jaw?