Affairs of the Heartburn

I have to take a minute to make fun of one of my best friends who, fortunately, doesn't know enough about the Internet to read this blog. (My conscience is a relatively easygoing one. If the subject isn't aware I'm making fun of her, who really gets hurt?)

This friend and I have been close since our early teens. She lives in Las Vegas and I rarely see her, but she calls me every day to detail the minutae of her bizarre yet tedious life (gambling former crack-addict husband and his white trash crack-addicted family; ins and outs of Vegas real estate boom; difficulty of training hairdresser to achieve the perfect Victoria's Secret model haircut; drunk guy who professed love for her; etc.) in between my "uh-huh"s and "right"s. That's about all I can fit into the conversation. I don't know when this one-way conversation began. I used to have a lot to say to her and I think she knows me pretty well despite not hearing much about the last fight I had with HG or how I hate the crone editor I'm working with.

Anyway, today she called to tell me how she is going to get rich. After several minutes of telling me this ("No really, you don't understand, I'm getting rich. Don't worry, I'll take care of you." etc.) she started to explain with the sentence, "First I need to find a chemist." Then explained the backstory...

I should explain that her backstories are often quite detailed, involving all manner of Vegas characters - some wacky, some dull. But no aspect of the story is left out. For the purposes of sparing me the carpal tunnel syndrome, however, I'll edit some of it.

So here it is: She has been taking TrimSpa (you know, the Anna Nicole-sponsored diet pill? "TriiiimSpa baaaay-beee.") which has brought on bouts of heartburn. She's never had heartburn before, but as she gets older she finds it more difficult to drink margaritas because the citrus burns. Anyway, she was at "the bar" (her local hangout where she and her husband casually gamble hundreds of dollars they can't afford to lose each night - sometimes taking cash advances from a credit card to do so. But hey, they plan to make $100k profit on their new house eventually, so what's the big deal?) and one of her friends - a firefighter who they see for days at a time at the bar and then don't see for weeks, because you know firefighters' schedules - starts talking to her about her heartburn. He's one of those "gross Vegas guys" who isn't ashamed to admit that he only wants to date young supermodel girls, even though he thinks they are total idiots. He also has heartburn, and personally takes prescription brand Nexium before a night out. But the young girls he dates always want stop at the corner store to pick up Mylanta and Red Bull. "It's like a thing that these girls do." As fireman describes this concoction, my friend begins craving it and then, even more importantly, has a brainstorm. Why not sell a drink that incorporates both?

OK, this is where I start to feel bad. I'm not even supposed to be telling anyone this, because this is her ticket to millionairedom. If I had more than two or three readers, or knew anyone who I suspected had the time to care about this, then I would be guilty. I don't know, maybe I'm a cynic, but I have to ask: Why? I know Red Bull is a popular mixer. I'm sure there are plenty of heartburn sufferers out there. But I still don't get the connection. All she could say was, "As soon as he said it to me, it was exactly what I wanted." But she doesn't like Red Bull because it makes her sick. (It makes a lot of people sick, which is why it is not recommended to have more than two a day. And there must be the same type of limits set on Mylanta. Her response: Yes, but technically if you have more than two beers a day you are an alcoholic, and that doesn't stop anyone. And plenty of people already drink tons more Red Bull than they should.) Has she gone out and tried this special elixir for herself?, I ask. No. Her faith in the girlfriends of this firefighter as having their finger on the pulse of culture is unshakable. She's calling me to ask about idea patenting and finding chemists and getting in touch with Pepsi Corp. When I suggested it might be tough to mix two brands together and label it her own invention, she replied she's sure she can find the ingredients of both in bulk at Whole Foods.

I want to know why all of these young supermodel types have heartburn. Is it only them? Is heartburn an epidemic? Is it only in cases of TrimSpa users? Please send your thoughts.

And please, please, please do not steal this idea. I so need a millionaire friend who is willing to take care of me.