This Just In: Dogs Smell

Angus: Just imagine the wavy lines. They're there.

Seriously man, dogs stink. Why did no one ever tell me about this?

The whole dog thing is new for me. I grew up with house cats, and a hamster, mouse, bird, and guinea pig or two. After I left home, my mom adopted a cocker spaniel from the pound. I named him Paco and then moved 3000 miles away. I was like a divorced weekend mom to Paco - the parent who you could look forward to seeing once in awhile, the one who would take you on walks and throw the tennis ball for you in a way your full-time parent never did. But he was my mom's dog until the end: trailing her every move, creating an imaginary boundary around her in the park to keep intruders away, spending all of his weekdays sitting by the door waiting for her to come home from work. Because he was my mom's dog, he unwittingly took on my mom's traits, including laziness and lack of desire to exercise or even spend much time outside (as well as a good nature and an extremely loving attitude). I don't know if it's because Paco never really went outside or because he and I never got close enough to know the other's smells, but I don't recall Paco being particularly foul smelling.

Herr Guitar also had a cocker spaniel, Henry. Henry definitely trumps me as being the true love of HG’s life - and I think he would admit as much. He carries a picture of Henry in his wallet, has a Henry story for every occasion, and gets misty eyed just thinking about him. I never had the chance to meet Henry, but I know him as a con dog, a fast talker, a liar and a dashing charmer who had a healthy appetite and a devil-may-care attitude about potty training. But I've never heard anything about Henry's stench.

Have dog owners been keeping something from me? Are those design magazines featuring cute dogs adding that special something to exquisite decors cruelly bullshitting me? Or is it just my dog that is putrid?

Angus, the puppy that HG and I adopted last fall, is part cocker spaniel, part Border collie and 100% adorable. I love him unconditionally but have to admit that he smells. Part of it is nature. I've read about "puppy smell" and hope that's what it is while I patiently wait for him to age. Plus, he gets B.O. when sleeping in a sunny room. Sort of endearing, if that's where it ended.

I admit part of it is nurture. The house next door to ours is empty and the fence connecting our yards allows Angus access into the neighboring space. He prefers it to his own yard, probably because whatever is in the soil over there is so rank that if he rolls and digs and frolics over there he can come out smelling like a mercury-poisoned fish foot. I sometimes worry that he will dig up a body over there - what else could it be? Whatever is in the soil is good fertilizer. Last summer, the yard was covered in a variety of plants that grew up to 7 feet tall.

But the real problem is that Angus is, quite simply, an idiot. We took him to a state park a few weeks ago and every few minutes he would drop and roll in the grass. We thought it was his way of communing with nature. Turns out he was communing with deer shit - and the grass was full of it. Last weekend we discovered that he'll even roll in another dog's shit if so inclined.

Listen, Angus, if you want to smell like a dirty hippie, it's your prerogative. But if you want to sit on my couch, let alone put your head in my lap, you're going to have to clean up your act. We've had to wash our couch's upholstery several times since Angus's arrival. It now wears a protective shield. (Angus also likes to boost the smell factor by digging through the garbage, carrying it to the couch, and chewing on it there.) My pregnancy-sensitive nose is being tortured by this. I'm developing an OCD. I smell him everywhere - on the subway, in the park, at the office, on my clothes. I smell him when I look in the mirror, when I eat my lunch, when I hear a favorite song...

On the bright side, he's nuts and loves to take pills. Maybe I can find some sort of chemical internal deodorant for him? Send suggestions if you have them.

By the way, sweet-smelling Paco died about a month ago. Tonight, let's all spill part of our 40 in his memory.