El L Palabra

The second season of The L Word begins on Sunday night, and I have decided to watch it.

I make it seem as if there was any question, but the truth is, I will watch just about anything they put on TV, with the exception of most things on ABC and many things of Fox. Desperate Housewives? No way. But the latest Real World/Road Rules Challenge? I'm there. Ugh. The things I must be doing to my brain, my eyes, my vocabulary. I could conduct my own reality TV wrap up (and I probably will, just wait), and I don't even like most of it. I had Tivo for a week until it insulted me. You know what that fucking thing auto-taped for me, judging by my tastes? A Wedding Story on TLC!!! Anyone who knows this show will understand my horror. No you did not, Tivo!

I should blame my husband, because for the past eight months or so he has been working nights, so I have little else to do. But I have to admit that I was addicted to crap TV long before I met him. Proof? My brother and I still remember theme songs to a variety of C-level TBS sitcoms that we used to watch after school (after school in California is prime time in Atlanta, where the station was based): Safe at Home, Rocky Road, and one about a flapper from the '20s who is reincarnated as a maid in the '80s. I can't remember the title, but I remember every last word of the song... Wait, I just remembered the title: Down to Earth (it's a good thing, because this link actually includes some good information, as well as the lyrics to the theme song). Priceless! Does anyone else remember these terrible shows? Rocky Road was my personal favorite because it was set at the beach and I loved everything about the sun and tanning and bathing suits (thank goodness I escaped California). I see some of the cast members scattered throughout real TV from time to time, doing their best to fill bit parts, and I have to smile. They may not have made the big leagues, but at least they are finally in some sort of league. (Note: I just Googled these shows to come up with a link, and discovered that the father on Rocky Road was Lewis Arquette, father of my favorite female star, Rosanna Arquette, who was also a guest star on The L Word!)

Back to the L Word. My initial impression after the first episode of the first season was that it was trite and base and semi-boring. People complained that the cast was selected for the purposes of turning men on, but anyone who watches the show would likely agree that the show is not interested in fulfilling any male fantasies of lesbianism. Yes, the women are gorgeous and, for the most part, lipsticky, but they clearly are not into men. They don't want to be watched or threesomed, just left alone together. I think that's hard for men to take. After a few episodes, I was hooked. Granted, I still think much of the show is silly, but I can't stop watching.

I have friends in LA who are obsessed - one is even throwing a party on the night of the premiere. We brainstormed about what to serve that screamed "lesbian." I chimed in with tuna, cherry pie, maybe some of those coconut-covered snowballs served in suggestive pairs? I just met a gourmet New Yorker who ran with the lez-themed food idea, thinking crabcakes topped with hijiki pubic hair. Sounds yummy and distasteful at once. (She also poo-pooed the snowball idea, pointing out that lesbians don't like breasts, but I'm not sure I believe that one.)

The obsessed LA women are lesbians (or have lesbian tendencies - I don't want to out anyone), but I know of quite a few straight women who watch the show. I think it's a hit, so there must be many straight viewers tuning in. Why? Maybe we all miss Sex in the City, which was a much better show but had similar fabulously decorated living quarters and awesome outfits and cute hairstyles and dating conundrums and... yes... sex. SITC's ladies may have been man-hungry, but viewers saw a lot of breasts. Not much different from what L Word exposes (though, there have been some scenes where I was like, whoa). Plus, the women are generally gorgeous, and women like looking at gorgeous women.

I don't think I'm speaking for myself here. Women are the ones who buy fashion magazines and fetishize over models. Women made stars out of Audrey Hepburn and Grace Kelly and Julia Roberts (men made stars out of John Wayne and Vin Diesel and Jenna Jameson). Do you know one man who watches America's Next Top Model? I started buying the SI Swimsuit Edition when I was 14, and many of my friends still do. As a kid, I idealized Marilyn Monroe (had posters ALL OVER the wall), then Gypsy Rose Lee, then Bridget Bardot (and all of the lovely ladies in Rodger Vadim's Bardot Denueve Fonda, my favorite book at age 15), then Rosanna Arquette, and so on. Rachel Weisz sunbathing nude in Stealing Beauty is still a breathtaking sight, but it's not like I want to do anything about it. Women are creatures of envy. We want beauty. We want to look at it, to face it, to know it. Men may drool over Britney Spears, but women - or, in this case, girls - buy the crap that she peddles. (Ok, gay men do too. But for the purposes of this argument, I'm lumping them in. And you know gay men do not want to go anywhere near sex with Britney.) This is also the reason that women are heinous bitches to each other. We are so critical of what we expect of beauty. To this day, I will take the slightest compliment from a woman over gushing praise from a man. Men like anything. Women are a tough audience to crack.

Just to clarify. I'm not a lesbian. I haven't had a lesbian experience. I don't even think I've come close, despite the fact that I went to a liberal arts college in the '90s. If I have come close I was not aware of it. I'm generally clueless about reading any signal that does not fit into my delusional, comfort-zoney status quo.

I tried to find something on WJC's faux daily diary regarding lesbians, but the best I could come up with was a passage about Hillary. Sorry Hillary, I don't want to insinuate anything. I don't know if you are a lesbian but you would make an excellent guest star on The L Word. (Just don't bring your husband - we all know he is definitely not a lesbian, because he LOVES breasts.)

WWWJCD:

I don’t understand her. Well I do understand her, but I don’t like it. My wife wants her own legacy, apart from me. That’s ok with me. It’s just sometimes the politician takes over from the human being.

I remember very well what kind of role health played in my first presidential election. George Bush Sr, not long before the election had gone to Japan. He became ill and vomited and passed out during an official dinner. This was caught on film. Bush never managed to shake off this moment of vulnerability. I know Hillary feared something like that might happen to her if she allowed herself to be overpowered by her illness. A politician can’t look weak. People know Washington is a vipers’ den, they will never vote for a person, who seems weak. So even when I pleaded with Hillary to go to the hospital, she said no.

She almost seemed like a tiger protecting her territory, in this case in Washington. She worked hard for her seat in the Senate. That’s for sure. She isn’t a natural politician. She doesn’t connect with people like some politicians do. Like some people say I do, or this president Bush does. Hillary is all about issues. To her being in the Senate isn’t a job. It’s a way to affect policy on issues she holds dear.

I think she is afraid of not being reelected. I understand the fear. After I was elected governor of Arkansas for the first time, I lost the reelection. It was one of the most depressing times in my life. I have never forgotten that. I was full of ideas how to change things. But I walked too far ahead of the people in Arkansas. I made one big mistake. I never took the time to educate them on why policies had to change or couldn’t stay the same. This is a mistake a lot of left leaning liberals still make. They assume everybody understands that the changes in policies they want are good for Americans. So changing laws using the courts seems the right thing to do to them. And when the majority of Americans don’t want their policy changes, they get angry. They must learn the lesson I learned. Educate people, take the time to educate people about the reasons why policy changes are good for them. I learned this lesson and got reelected a few years after my defeat. I stayed governor till I ran for president.

Coming back to Hillary and her reelection. It’s going to be tough. The Republicans are aiming their big gun at her Senate seat. It’s not official, but I don’t think you need to doubt the information. Rudolph Giuliani will be running against her in two years time. He is very popular in New York City and upstate New York. This Senate race will probably, no certainly be the most difficult and most talked about race in two years time.

I understand Hillary, but I’d rather see her home or in hospital, so she could recover. I worry about her, but that’s my right.


Oh, person-who-has-stolen-WJC's-fragile-identity, your words are more delicious than crab cakes with hijiki pubic hair. Why have you forsaken me?